My cellphone screams out in an old bookstore, I look at the caller I.D and my stomach goes into a knot. I answer the phone and I hear her voice, I never realized how much he sounded like his mother. She tells me she has this sin burnt onto her forehead, she tells me of her pain and I am choking on my own tears and vomit. Vomit. She wants to know him in his death and she feels like I am a key that can unlock this trunk that sits in her basement and rots because it is full of memories that I don't want to give her, because they are mine and they are sacred.

" I have his journals, I think he would want you to see them" SEE THEM? SEE THEM? I am still fucking haunted by them, by his words that could heal me but also slash me so deep that I would bleed out for days. She tells me how she waits for death, how life is not worth anything w/o her only child. She is going to Belfast soon, she wants to see me alone when she returns, she wants memories, she wants me to heal her. I FAILED TO HEAL HIM!?!?! How can I hold her pain in my hands when I am daily still struck with my own? How can I explain it all to her? how can I tell her who her son was? I still weep for him daily. I still miss him all the time. I thought it was that i missed being a muse... it's not.. I just miss him.. plain and simple. I just have this void that I don't want to fill with anything other than pain and guilt because if i fill the void then he's gone.

I cry on Dion untill my lungs ache, then I splash water on my face and go to work.