These doors keep closing and windows keep blowing in and I can't use them because they are full of broken glass. This year has been to much for me too grasp, I am so tired of losing things, people, memories.. Why am I not allowed to hold onto things? Why don't I feel strong anymore? Why did his death kill me. I did not want to leave so much behind. I want those memories back.

I don't want to cry everytime I see a fat kid w/ red hair and freckles. I want to remember how much he loved me and how much I loved him. I want to process all the horrible things I did to him and forgive myself b/c he can't. I want to be on the front porch of my childhood home w/ him and ask for forgivness and hold him and drink a bottle of wine and tell him I am sorry I never loved him how he wanted me to, but I loved him more b/c of it. I want to slap him for killing himself and taking my selfish brat safety net away. I want to yell at him for all he did to her, always running to me and comming back to her smelling like my perfume. I just want these doors to stop closing b/c I just can't make it through the windows.