I hate you for dying, for laying in a bed full of pills and falling asleep, falling away from me. YOU DESERVED BETTER. I am sorry. I am covered in blood and tears and sweat and just 50 tonnes of regret. I just want to lay on a couch with you and talk about 60's garage rock and smoke a spliff and laugh at David Cross. I loved you with a piece if my soul I did not know I had. I can't stop crying and all I want to do is just write every fucking memory down and I can't. I lost any chance at future memories and all I want to do is bottle the ones I have left and make them last a lifetime, the lifetime you were supposed to be around for.... The lifetime nobody seems to care is gone and I just want everything to be okay and it's not and I hate you so much right now.
You said you would always be there to catch me, to hold me, to stop the noise when I needed it. You were insane but somehow I placed some of my sanity on you and I will never know why.. why the ugly akward kid? because you were smarter than the kids in highschool that read russian lit for "street cred" in the art world, becauase you had a sharp wit, because you had these moments of being so human, because you needed me but expected nothing from me. Because your frail body, shrunken from eating disorders, coffee and nerves just wanted to lay next to me for a moment every little while.. how could I say no to you? My Greek play in motion.. My manchild that wanted a mother and a lover. And I could not be either in the way you wanted. I hate you because I miss you so much and I don't want to face the fact that it;s over..
