It's just a pain deep in my stomach. When she told me he was dead, I just hung my head and wept. On the corner of Queen and McCaul, I just wept w/o shame. I walked into my apartment and into the arms of Dion, but nothing helps. I have now lived with this for 20 hours and I don't want to. He is not allowed to be dead. I never deserved his love, but I didn't ask for it... He thought I was a saviour. I saw him as my manchild. I always thought we would know each other. I never thought he would end it all. I have such a thick skin to these moments of death but not right now I don't.
Last night I just drank, and drank.. I was loaded and lucky enought to have my boys there to hurt with me. I just keep randomly crying. It just hurts so deeply. I feel like I failed him. I had moments of holding him. He was the first guy who ever truly loved me for ME. Not an image, he made me feel worthy at a time of my life where it was critical. I loved him so much and it kills me to know that I will not have him in my life anymore. I just thought Andrew would always be there. I am just so sad at the wasted life. He was one one the smartest ppl I've ever known, and also one of the maddest b/c those two walk hand in hand. I just wish he would have called me. I just wish I could hold him. I just wish he was still breathing. And now I have to see him in a box and they will throw dirt on my little man.