For four years I have been wearing your toe tag on my sleeve. I can't keep feeling so fucking guilty. I have carried your corpse across the entire country. I went to where you died. I came to no conclusions and am not any closer to you, or leaving your memory on the side of the road. I have screamed at walls all the things I wanted to say to you. I hate you for bailing. I hate you for such selfish reasons. I loved knowing how much you loved me. I loved that I never loved you back. I hate that you are no longer here to feed my ego, to justify all my actions, and to make me feel superior. Even my grief is selfish and ugly. I wish I was a woman that believed in something. For all your smarts, you were too damn foolish to just let yourself grow up a little. For all my smarts, I've let your death manipulate too much of my life.